Long-term success in dealing with addiction requires more than a focus on pathology and problems. It requires time and attention to building a life worth living, where intimate relationships with people play a crucial role in happiness.
It also necessitates a deepening sense of humanity, empathy for our fellow human beings, a sense of wonder, engaging our creative natural talents, and perseverance to deal with all that life throws our way.
When asked about his addiction, the actor, Robert Downey Jr. said:
Life is 70% maintenance. I think of myself as a shopkeeper or bee keeper. I’m learning the business of building a life. Instead of getting instant gratification by getting high, I push my nose as far into the grindstone as I can. The honey, the reward, is the feeling of well-being, the continuity, the sense that I am walking toward the place I want to go.
Unfortunately, many who struggle with addiction have no idea where they want to go in life, or what they might want to create. If you are an artist or musician creativity comes with the territory, but for the rest of us – the power of creativity can remain illusive.
One reason is that the process of creating is not taught in our educational system, and in fact, Sir Ken Robinson has spoken out strongly on how our current system actually does the opposite (please watch this amazing presentation – you will not be disappointed).
All is not lost…
Recently, I picked-up a book at a bake sale that brilliantly answers the question of what we should create in our life and how to go about making it happen: Me to We: Finding Meaning in a Material World
From their personal encounters with Mother Teresa in the slums of Calcutta, to helping those dying of AIDS in Thailand, to creating one of the largest non-profit foundations for children, Free the Children, these guys provide the broad brush strokes for how to create a life more powerful than addiction.
The essence of Me to We is that by helping others we help ourselves find meaning and purpose in life – and we make the world a better place. What I like most about me to we is that it ultimately is about creating nurturing relationships with people – exactly what needs to happen if we are to move beyond addiction.
I think that you are correct. My opinion is that when dealing with addiction, you must handle all aspects of the addiction. Instant gratification is not something that comes easy. If it is easy then most likely it is wrong. I have been clean for over two years and I went to a place called Narconon drug rehab. It did handle all the aspects of my addiction and taught me how to be successful at life. I am now more productive in my life and couldn’t be happier.
Dr. Fitzgerald,
As I read your summary of the book Me to We I was concerned that the suggestions for helping other people were too expensive and time consuming for a lot of people. I was happy to read on and see that you finished by explaining to your readers that ultimately it is about creating nurturing relationships with people to move beyond addiction.
I agree and hope to emphasize that focusing more locally by helping family, friends, and community members brings personal happiness and fulfillment but can also positively influence your community. Improving the community you live in brings about changes that may not only replace your addictions, but improve your overall health and the health of the people around you.
Thanks for your positive message!
Yep, the authors really emphasize that a “me to we” philosophy begins at home, in our own communities. Although much can be gained through travel, I absolutely agree with you that a focus on local family, friends and community is the best place to start. Still read the book…it is worth the time investment
J
This idea is real captivating to me. I have known many people with an addiction, whether it is needing that glass of wine every night, or needing to binge and purge. This concept of “Me to We” helps me to understand the times that these valuable people are not abusing these “vices” in their life. It seems that when either of them gain some sort of independence and happiness within, they begin to reach out and are capable of helping someone else. It just seems controversial because many addicts cannot imagine arriving at this point of “we,” without being independent of their addictions. It seems like a circular concept, which one comes first, the chicken or the egg? Does the addict become “healthier” and start reaching out to self-less lifestyles or does the idea of being self-less get the addict away from their addiction?
The quote from Robert Downey Jr. made me think of many of the kids that I work with who like Robert Downey Jr are stuggling with addiction and attempting to build a life from nothing. Many of the kids that I work with are lost and have no idea how to even begin to create a life. I think that this is one reason why I believe that mentors are so important. The one success story that I can recall is of a young man who the director of our facility mentored. This young man was taught the importance of reaching out to others. This young man moved beyond thinking of just himself and ended up becoming involved in the community. The end result was that by helping others he was able to help himself.
I think what you say about people who struggle with addiction not really knowing where they want to go in life is so true. I know family members and friends who have struggled with addiction, and one of the things I have heard many of them say, was that they were stuck. When they said this I thought they were only talking about being stuck in their addiction. The more these people talked to me, the more it became obvious that they were stuck before their addiction.
It was interesting because one person said that they were always looking for something more in life. They started with cigarettes, moved on to alcohol, and even started using cocaine before he decided to look for help. It has been many years since he has used any of these substances, and he said that noticing how great the small things in life really are, keep him drug free. This is similar to what Robert Downey Jr. said about learning the business of building a life. The way that this person took notice of how great the small things in life (such as family, religion and friendships), is similar to learning the business of building a life. These things have not been lost in this person’s life, and they continue to build on their life every day.
It seem to be that many of the people I have known during a time of dependence were focused on instant gratification, as Robert Downey, Jr. mentions in his quote. Beyond just instant gratification they were very focused on what the world was doing to them. It seems to me to be a very self serving existence.
The idea of reaching out and helping others, reaching out past one’s self seems like the best way to discover who one is. It is a way to see the bigger picture in life, past the very small world that those who are dependent on drugs are living in. It helps to give a purpose to life. And while on the outside it may give the appearance of helping someone else, it is actually the person who helps that reaps the benefits. Building a life is more than what is done to us, but a bigger part is what we can do for others. When the focus shifts outward, the rewards inward are greater.
While the article posted and quoting Robert Downey Jr. was interesting, the video with Sir Ken Robinson absolutely moved me. Besides being funny, he was enlightening and inspiring and brings forth a challenge to our education system. I have forwarded this video to my child’s third grade teacher.
He describes our society as killing the creativity that we all have as children in the name of academic mining of our minds. In other words, we are educated in such a way that we are “frightened at being wrong” and taught certain things that are “educating people out of their creative capacities”. He brings up an interesting point that today’s children will be retiring around the year 2065. We don’t know what the world will be like in five years so how can we be educating our children to be prepared for adulthood? He challenges the availability of diagnoses that weren’t previously available such as ADHD in the name of creativity and so I ask, where is the second part of the challenge and why doesn’t the general public hear it? As the mother of an eight year old and six year old, I would like to see the public school system emphasize arts and dance instead of viewing it as a luxury that school systems can no longer afford. We are over-programming our children with scheduled activities to a point they don’t know what to do when they have 10 minutes of free time. Adults today lack management skills because they are incapable of free thinking and have been raised in a rigid, scheduled, always-on-the-go program. This was a welcome and refreshing challenge from Sir Ken Robinson.
Absolutely agree with your comments on Sir Ken Robinson, and the need to evolve our public educational system to be less structured and more embracing of ways of teaching that promote creativity and innovative thinking. Glad to hear you passed it on to your child’s third grade teacher.
J
I am a police officer in CA and I have a question. I understand from talking to drug users and prostitutes that it is very hard to kick their habits. Some have even said that the craving for the drug is so strong that they could not quit even if they wanted to. Are there any treatment programs for people that have no desire to kick their habit? I have seen at least one person who has gone from a young man to a very ill young man, but yet he refuses to seek help. What can be done for a person like this or is ther anything that can be done?
The focus on replacing addictions with healthy relationships is a wonderful, however, relationship building is a two way street. At times we forget that the individual is not the only person who has been dealing with an addiction problem. Friends and family get see first hand the ugly truths of addiction. Just as with families that deal with drastic personality swings in Alzheimer’s patients; families will addiction problems need to not only understand the underlying medical information, but also they need time to heal their own wounds. Before clients with addiction problems race to address their need for healthy relationships, we must first reach out to those family members and friends that have been hurt because of the client’s addiction.
As counselors, we should work in a systemic way to address the needs of the individual in the context of a family and then larger society. Using CRAFT or referring to a CMFT may help to work on those much needed relationships. We must go beyond the psycho-education of the addiction disease model and start to understand the effects of the disease on the family as a whole. Each members perspective of living with addiction in their family is much needed information for repairing relationships.
This book is so awesome. It makes me think about how twelve step programs consistently remind individuals that they must give what they have received to others. The twelfth step states to “carry this message to the alcoholic who suffers”. The idea being that sobriety is maintained by helping others, and that for many with substance abuse disorders, purpose in life still needs to be created. This also reminds me of a recent discussion which included what the purpose of creativity is in recovery. How can developing creative habits benefit those who are trying to get sober? It seems that creating hobbies, pastimes, or even areas of interest are imperative to maintaining sobriety. Cooking, playing sports, drawing, and writing are just a few examples of how an individual can develop creatively. Working to help others is also important to those with substance use disorders, as for most, a long period of being self-serving has been the modus operandi. Whether it be finding the next fix, getting cash, or avoidance tactics. It seems that finding meaning and purpose to the benefit of others helps the individual doing the work as much as the individual or group that she or he is helping.
Creating healthy relationships with people is absolutely paramount in recovering from an addiction. However, this can be difficult. The other people in an addict’s life (family, friends, etc.) are most likely both angry and in pain. This can make it difficult when the addict tries to make amends. I feel like when an addict goes to treatment that their family should too. The addict is part of a family system and all parts of that system need help when dealing with addictions. When this happens, all of the members including the addict, will have had the opportunity to work through their pain and are far more ready to move forward to create the healthy relationships that the addict needs.
Also, I love the idea of helping others to help yourselves. It is a great way to gain some perspective after living a life which is so self-serving, and it can help to create a feeling of purpose in one’s life. Finally, I just wanted to say that I loved the presentation by Sir Ken Robinson. His message was important and I believe that creativity in all forms is an essential part of human existence.
Long-term addiction treatment should include helping people learn what to create in their lives. We are all complex, layered creatures with so many features that make us who we are. When asked, “what do you do?” we often list our careers, or means of making a living as the answer; however, there are too many personal characteristics to list. Discovering who we are can really be a lifelong journey, one that requires self-exploration on many levels. Adopting the Me to We philosophy is not only a meaningful contribution to mankind, but also an excellent, rewarding way to explore and embellish our personal identities. The joy of helping, sharing, and contributing to a greater good can exert adrenaline rushes comparable to the highs from substances; thus, being an excellent prescription for a recovering addict. Also, the immense profundity of community and support can boost our self-efficacy, sense of hope, and overall happiness.
Sir Ken Robinson so eloquently spoke of how modern educational systems are killing creativity, and it made me think of how many people are not finding their creative, expressive voice. Many people are then ignoring parts of themselves that could provide happiness and therapy for daily life struggles. As counselors, through empathy, encouragement and support we can help people see themselves beyond their jails of addiction. We can help people rediscover the joys of relationships, productivity, creativity, and hope. Creating new activities and involvement will create new relationships, and in turn create a new sense of meaning.
I just read most of the Me to We book and was very pleased and happy that it was recommended. Why do we Riot, but we cannot Minga? The book was a real eye opener, not that I don’t already know how I am too busy for my relationships, friends, and family, but an eye opener that when i can change my priorities I should include the community outside of my home. The authors emphasize a lot how we have become & why were so me, myself, & I and were too busy to take the time out for others. Yet, how difficult is it to build relationships w/someone, at the most it starts w/a hello, but in our society now it seems that that welcome is questioned. What do you mean, want, need when you say “hello.” Were in it for ourselves, survival of the fittest? So how do we change that? Better yet how can we turn it to help those w/addictions? Certainly working in the area of addictions there is a lot to be done, but just w/those not working in the field…build that relationship, have and understanding and be patient.
To respond to abejaran’s question:
I don’t have any experience working directly with addiction treatment but I do have some experience working with street youth, many of were currently using. I have worked in homeless youth art groups, theater groups, gender-safety groups and more. The goal of these groups was NOT to prevent youth from using, but to give them a safe and engaging alternative. Often youth would be in the program for about two years before they would say, “Hey, I think I want to stop using. Can you help me get into rehab housing?”
For me it helps to keep in mind that a lot of users have very little to look forward to outside of their addiction. Giving them something more can be the first step in a very slow process of recovery.
About We to Me:
I think the book is really geared towards middle and upper class people. I think that there is a way for poor people to “move from me to we” but when you are a single mom working two jobs it is harder to provide a time-out for new parents, plan a reunion, or celebrate motherhood around the world.
That said, the book held some great reminders for me. The author’s write about their friends who were happier living cheaply in college than they were after they “made it”. I am still far from having my dream job, but in a lot of ways I am better off than I was in college. I worked full time and went to school full time while sharing a two-bedroom apartment with four other men.
Now I have a lot more and I feel a sense of accomplishment in what I have earned. I am happy that I have more, and my belongings do bring me comfort and joy, but part of that is knowing that I earned these things. Another part of it is knowing all of these things can be wiped out in a minute, so I should appreciate what I have.
At the same time I notice that when I go without I no longer feel content. In college I never got to go out for a drink with friends; I just could not afford it. Now I may go out with friends a couple of times a week. If I run out of spending money and friends invite me out, I feel frustrated that I don’t have as much money as I would like, instead of feeling grateful for the fact that I was able to go out a lot more than I could a few years ago. While I am appreciate what I do have, it is hard for me to remember what it is like to appreciate having less. Me to We did a good job reminding me of that.
Reading Me to We reminded me of my interest in pursuing meaningful experiences rather than to perpetually blindly succumb to the materialistic messages so prevalent in our society. During my stint as a mechanical engineer, I experienced the lack of satisfaction from earning a solid income but feeling that my career was lacking meaning and fulfillment. However, as time has passed since I’ve left the field of engineering, and as I’ve started my journey into counseling, there have been moments when I’ve reconsidered pursuing a career that would provide considerable status and financial compensation, as I feel I am capable. Reading from Me to We recalled my resolve to commit myself to a counseling career that fits my values. More important than high status or loads of money is finding meaning in my vocation. Dedicating part of one’s life to something larger than oneself can be a source of strength, which is even more critical when facing the challenge of recovering from addiction.
This pursuit of meaning can also be considered in terms of happiness. Becoming involved in selfless activities has the ability to elevate our happiness above theoretical set points. For those recovering from addiction, it is critical to rediscover things that will provide joy to ensure that the life without drugs does not remain drab and unappealing to the chemically addicted brain.
I was struck by the portion of Me to We when they were at the world-class ski resort, on break from the conference, and very few people were taking the time to enjoy themselves. Here were all of these people at a beautiful resort and most of the people were consumed with their work on their day off. I think this is a great example of how people get consumed with the pursuit of material gain and don’t make the time for the things that can create a happy, sustainable lifestyle.
I agree that helping others is the way to experience what is truly rewarding in this life, which is not the idea that our society is based on. One mention of helping each other, whether it be through collective funding of social services (which to an extent we do anyway) or through the government providing a public option for health insurance companies, and all of the sudden, we’re inching towards socialism! Many of us can’t imagine how badly capitalism is broken, but we can be honest when admitting that our cultural ethos often keeps us from really reaching out and caring for each other. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking that we’re al teetering on the brink of survival (what with the economic collapse) and that we simply don’t have time to do altruistic work, as many of us are already spread so thin. We have to look beyond what advertisers are urging us to do and figure out ways to reach out in a world where we seem to be getting more and more isolated.
I am of two minds on this book Me to We. On the one hand, there general concept that human beings function better and live full lives when they are connected to their communities and each other through giving and care is a powerful one. Like you point out here in this post, happiness requires building a life worth living and engaging in positive intimate relationships based on mindfulness and mutuality. The way the authors painstakingly document these beliefs across world religions and in Western intellectual/philosophical histories, though overstated with regard to the latter, also help ground the concept of helping oneself by helping others. On the other, from a post-colonial perspective, the authors continue to reify certain key differences that are often referred to as “poverty porn”, ie the idea of rich or affluent people, primarily from the West, going to poor people’s neighborhoods or villages, primarily in the purposefully under-developed East and Global South, to find meaning. In this model, Western elightenment does not include Global Southern empowerment or even inclusion, but rather the people from the latter act as a collective and exploitable resource through which the West reifies its superiority even as it distances itself from the usual western-religio-capitalist world views that underpin it. Put more simply, the authors assume a white middle class audience (especially the fundamental assumption that “we” all come from individualistic cultures and that community-based cultures are without pitfalls) whose enlightenment is not only based in a white upper class intellectual tradition (though a global spiritual one) and mobility (while travel is a possibility for many, people who live in subsistence do not have the luxury of the kind of travel put forward in this text nor do some cultures in the Global South consider physical travel a necessary path to enlightenment or connectivity), but for whom salvation comes through excursions to the rich cultures of nameless, faceless, Others who fade back into the background when these excursions have served their purpose. How does the “we” in this model then create revolutionary praxis that connects all of us in the struggle for humanity, inclusion, love, acceptance, etc.? How does this “we” decenter middle class normativity that causes those outside of it to strive for and often be excluded from class mobility that can act as a trigger for addictive behaviors? How does this “we” challenge certain divisions and inequalities that are necessary for the very global capitalist model it argues against?
For me, this middle class normativity, and its connection to racial blinders, has been a long standing barrier to cultural competence in this kind of enlightenment literature. A few years ago, I had this discussion with another author writing from a Catholic Liberation Theology perspective in which he began his story by saying “we all turn away from poverty even as we claim to dismantle it” and then filled the next few pages of his introduction with a discussion of how “we” pathologize the “third world” when what “we” really need is to learn from it. I asked him how this “we” that was so essential to his thesis of inclusion, connection, and cooperation reflected the lived experience of the poor and the citizens and non-citizens of the Global South. He made the distinction between his assumed audience “the West” and the people he thought were doing it better. By describing “the rest” as “doing it better” he assumed, as much of this literature does, that creating an “us” that does requires a “them” was an acceptable starting point for a text that was suppose to be proposing global community. The more we talked about poverty in the U.S., communities that are already based on interdependence, intergenerational, or community models over individuals, the more he had to look at the fundamental assumptions about race and class he had made in a text whose overall purpose was to be culturally sensitive and to champion connectivity and collective culture. It is a conversation I have also had with the authors of this book related to their necessary work with children rights around the globe. Some times these conversations are fruitful in that we challenge each other to confront our stuff, decolonize our minds and our praxis, and to begin to envision spreading the important message of connection and growth in culturally competent ways. Some times, it is unproductive as people stick to the idea that certain beliefs, actions, and outcomes are universal, or simply modify the model to include the enlightenment that “we” can gain from touristing impoversihed communities in the U.S. as well, as if this is any more inclusive.
These objections aside, and they are strong and supported by a long post-colonial literature on enlightenment, cultural appropriation, “first world thinkers vs third world raw material”. and “touristing”, I don’t mean to throw the baby out with the bathwater. The overall points about connection that you make in your post and they make in the book are essential ones. Not only are they found in world spirituality traditions, but also intellectual and philosophical traditions across the globe. Instead, I am asking for some introspection and cultural competence on the part of those writing this particular brand of literature so that the message can and does reach everyone impacted and that the social justice shift actually creates social justice for those whom we are told to consult and that they are equal subjects, rather than unequal objects (whether nameless/faceless, archetypes, or “heroes”), in the process.
What moved me most about this book was actually what one of the people in our class shared last night about addiction as me centered and the need for people caught in addiction to reframe their worlds outward, to make connections, form mutuality, and feel invested in “we” but also part of a “we”. This to me was the most moving moment of the class discussion and helped point to the real import of the book underneath its many slippages and blind spots. For that, I am especially grateful that we read this book despite its issues.
I whole hardheartedly agree that the key to helping move away from addictions is creating a new life and new meaning in that life. In order to do this connections and nurturing relationships are the most important aspect. A friend of mine recently lost his recovery. He had been living across town from most of his support group. He lived with a roommate that was rarely home due to multiple jobs this person had. The roommate tried to help my friend out by telling and showing him how he was staring to drink too much again and even helped out with budgeting his money but without the being surrounded by people constantly this friend dove right back into his drinking and gambling addictions. He needs someone around him 100% of the day to show him they care and to have someone to hold him accountable. I have also worked with clients that have been through some very trying times recently such as the death of their infant daughter but because this client had built a relationship up with family again they gave support that was needed and the client stayed sober. The power of connection is a beautiful thing.
I only read a portion of this book, but plan to read the rest in the near future. I really enjoyed the way the authors take on society and happiness. There is such high emphasis placed on the importance of money in our society. As someone that grew up in a household where both parents worked full time jobs and still barely scraped by, we often talked about how much better life would be if we did not have to worry about money. Now I can look back on those times and see that what was really important – our relationships, were fully intact. Money had nothing to do with it.