As a young boy, I remember venturing out on summer evenings to play hide-and-seek with the other neighborhood kids. We made up teams, sought out secret hiding places, and took full advantage of the local woods that surrounded our corner of the world.
Our parents all knew each other, and while we were expending our energy running around in the dark playing games, they were talking around tables and sharing food and drink. There was no internet, cell phones, or other multimedia distractions competing for time. Life was simpler, slower.
The research is in…
Now, more than thirty-five years later, I find myself married with a young son and challenged to provide him the same care-free childhood that I experienced. Despite living in a pleasant, middle-class neighborhood, it is rare to see large groups of kids playing together outside.
There are no local woods within walking distance, and even if there were, most parents (myself included) would be hesitant to allow their children to play unsupervised. Although everyone I encounter on my daily dog walks is friendly, there is a lack of deep intimacy among neighbors. Some have never even met despite living within blocks of each other for decades. 
The stark contrast between life today and just a few decades ago is surreal. The year I was born the handheld calculator was invented, and today, handheld devices are minicomputers capable of video-conferencing around the world. But for all the benefits technology affords, there is a cost that gets lost in the frenzy of Facebook, YouTube, and Amazon.
Who do you count on?
In 1985, researchers set out to understand the degree to which people have family and friends they can rely upon to discuss matters that are personal in nature. A national survey was done, and in 2004, the same group decided to repeat the study to determine how core discussion networks had changed over two decades.
The results are frightening.
No one in their life
25% of all Americans reported they had no one to discuss personal issues with in 2004. Compared to 10% in 1985.
Discussion partners
The most frequent number of discussion partners in 1985 was 3. In 2004 that number plummeted to 0!
Size of network
The average social network size has dropped from 3 confidants to 2.
Person of trust
The number of people who reported that their spouse was the only person they trust with personal issues has increased by almost 50% since 1985. The lead researcher has said:
We know these close ties are what people depend on in bad times. We’re not saying people are completely isolated. They may have 600 friends on Facebook.com and email 25 people a day, but they are not discussing matters that are personally important. Source: Social Isolation in America: Changes in Core Discussion Networks over Two Decades, American Sociological Review, June 2006 71:353-375
These outcomes paint a sobering picture of the price we may be paying for our technology-enhanced life
I’m saddened by the results of this study, but hardly surprised. What I’ve noticed is that with the popularity of internet surfing, email, e-social networks, texting, etc., a lot of people have simply stopped talking to each other over the last 10 or so years (particularly with the explosion of social networking sites at which people seem to equate on-line presence with intimacy). We just don’t have the same kinds of face-to-face conversations of lengthy duration and complex, intimate, interpersonal substance. Engaging in those types of conversations takes a certain set of social skills, including an ability to listen, reflect, and focus, and a sense that it will be rewarding. Many millions of people seem to have substituted writing/reading/internet-surfing for the old-fashioned single-focused listening/speaking/looking at each other while hanging out together (SouthPark had a pretty funny episode about this awhile back). Given that (as I understand it) one’s sense of self is 90% “framed in” during the first 5 years of life, with essential building blocks being repeated in-person, face-to-face, voice-based communication with our caretakers and siblings, it seems to me that proximate, face-to-face communication – neurobiologically — carries a special flavor and meaning. If daily, internet/texting/social-surfing is a compulsion/addiction (which I certainly believe it can be), perhaps the withdrawl/deprivation/avoidance piece of this addiction cycle is somehow manifested in resistance to engaging in real-time, face-to-face conversation and communication.
I am planning on reading the piece upon which this post is written. On the one hand, I too think that social networks and global blogospheres have left us more socially taxed and yet less socially connected, at least “in real time.” But I also wonder about the sense of nostalgia that creates idealized wholes in the past vis-a-vis current perceived dysfunction. The walkman was invented in my childhood and I remember my mother refusing to let us have one because she was convinced it would end all communication on earth if we all had headphones on all day. She would drive by bus stops and point “see, see” at the rows of people listening to music rather than striking up conversations with each other. The walkman did not end us, but her point about missed opportunities to connect was equally valid. Similar arguments have been made about video games and isolation, giving riser to the image of the sociopathic gamer nerd in film, and while this too bears out in certain literature, the alternative image of gamer culture as a tight knit group of individuals who connect largely online and via national conferences is less salient in the imaginary than the isolated pimpled 35+ year old in their parents basement stuck at a pre-teen developmental stage because of over-identification with technology over people.
Currently, I am doing what has turned into a longitudinal study of women of color’s use of the internet as an alternative site for publishing, social justice, and agency in a culture that often denies us these opportunities. My work is based on qualitative digital ethnography and literary analysis and has been conducted over the last 3 years so far. I look at a core group of radical feminist and/or pro-women’s equality bloggers between the ages of 20 and 35 (though obviously as the study continues they are getting older). These women use the internet to connect communities of women of color and allies through telling personal stories, analyzing current events from woc perspectives, and spreading activism alerts that take place in real time and online. Over the years, their online activism has actually led to several meet ups in the real world at conferences, each others homes, activist events, or traveling together. It has also led to the publication of a “spoken anthology” (published as a CD rather than text), several joint zine projects, and the creation of traveling workshops and social justice organizations. Rather than being disconnected, these women came from a place of feeling disconnected and silenced to using digital connections to remap their social world’s and give them meaning in the Adlerian sense of social interest and giving back. While my N is quite small from an anthropological perspective it does offer a counterpoint from which we could jump to other larger research projects on the overlap of disconnect and positive vs negative adaptation strategies.
I’m also wondering about what qualitative research could do to enhance what I am assuming is a quantitative study based on a blind survey. In thinking about my own answers to such a survey, I might be inclined to discount my own connections that are digital based when answering a survey and depending on the language, equally discount certain types of social relationships in real time because they either do not conform to what I think are the expected definitions in the survey or because my relationships or childhood differ from the middle class norm. I also think context matters, there are times in life when someone feels socially isolated and others when they do not but the reality of their social connections may not have changed. How does a survey control for these contextual issues?
Despite my “devil’s advocate” approach here, like you, I keep coming back to the overall sense that as a society, vs smaller communities, we are more isolated than we have ever been. That the fact we are inundated with technology requires more effort to connect face to face and to create opportunities for human interaction rather than sitting side by side text messaging at the bus stop. And I can’t help but wonder about the number of sites online where youth looking for connections and interventions have said “I’m going to kill myself” and instead of getting sympathy have been egged on by onlookers. In fact, the image of the developmentally delayed youth in Florida who killed himself via live video streaming while people encouraged his move from ideation, to plan, to action over a period of several hours, and the fact that no one called authorities until hours after he ingested pills in front of all of them, last year has stuck with me as the prime example of what we have lost with regards to human interaction and digital culture. Add to that the still fairly new research that sites like twitter or rewiring the brain away from empathy centers and there is a picture of social isolation so bleak that I cannot imagine how a relationship with an object would not seem more preferable.
And that leads to my last question: if the internet is the object, what defines addiction? If the answer is something that disrupts “normal” life and yet life is increasingly defined by our use and/or presence on the internet then is it possible that the overall culture is disruptive? And if so, then how do the young women in my research continue to act as a counterpoint to such a bleak picture?
Your project sounds great — did you read S. Faludi’s piece in the October Harper’s? If so, what did you think about it?
I have not, but I will add it to my list to read and get back to you.
I often find myself nostalgic about my childhood adventures as well. It just felt different back then. I have a much cherished memory of my entire neighborhood getting into a big snowball fight when I was about 8 years old. My parents, my friends, and all of their parents on the street all came out one night and played in the snow for hours. It was so much fun and even at such a young age, I had this sense of “community” that I have never feel being an adult. My mother still lives on the street that I grew up on and when I go to visit her, the neighbor hood seems like a very different place. There are rarely kids playing outside, it is quiet, and it is run down. I know that there may not be as many children living there now as families come and go and children grow up. I know that the area is not considered “safe” anymore as I thought it was when I was a child. But I can’t help but wonder if part of the reason for the change is that relationships and neighborhood community is just not valued like it once was. I was about 14 or so right when the internet started becoming popular and social networking sites were not around yet. I remember feeling that change when it happened. Now, I know kids as young as 9 who spend all their time after school online. How can you go out and play and make friends if you are sitting in front of a computer all evening? I echo your thoughts that social relationships are not as valued as they once were, and people think they are having meaningful interactions online, but never actually meeting some of the people they correspond with. Things are different now and I am not sure what that means for my future children.
I, too, have noticed this shift away from a sense of community and more toward a sense of isolation. In a very small way I have tried to fight against it by purposefully not buying an iPod, because I know it would be tempting to put in the ear buds and zone out while running or riding the bus. Instead, I try to stay tuned in to the sights and sounds of my neighborhood, to the voices of strangers sitting next to me on public transit.
This discussion about the loss of a sense of community makes me think of Bruce Alexander’s article “The Roots of Addiction in Free Market Society,” and the idea that addiction has its origin in our loss of psychosocial integration, our being cut off, or dislocated, from our communities. In part, Alexander argues that addiction is neither a criminal nor a medical problem, but a political, social, and economic one. I don’t agree with him entirely, but I think he’s on to something.
Maybe one of the solutions can be found in the book Me to We: Finding Meaning in a Material World, by Craig and Marc Kielburger. I’ve only read a few chapters, but already I can see that the authors are advocating for a move back to community, social consciousness, empathy, and connection. When we give back to our communities, they argue, we focus on the collective good and redefine success and happiness.
The book gives lots of practical ideas of how to put these lofty notions into real-world, everyday practice one small step at a time. Maybe not tuning out with an iPod is a good first step, but these days, I’m feeling inspired to be more proactive at fostering a sense of community integration.
I’ve often wondered why, with the increase of social networking, there is also a decrease in fulfilling relationships. Over a decade ago it required “energy” to establish and maintain a relationship — you would actually have to call someone on the phone to discuss something, or wait to see them in person — now you can send someone an abbreviated text in 30 seconds flat. Essentially, as our level of personal communication has decreased, so has our ability to have rewarding relationships. Maybe it is time to evaluate how we communicate with each other: logoff of facebook and actually communicate with someone in person.
I’m not sure what class I heard this in, but I remember a professor saying that while the ways we can connect with each other (i.e. cellphones, internet, etc) have increased exponentially, the level of empathy we have for each other has decreased by nearly 30% from the 60’s. This explains the very individualistic view we have as a society (the “pick yourself up by the bootstraps” mentality) and I think it demonstrates the point even more that even though we’ve gotten “closer” we seem to be further apart than we’ve ever been before.
It makes me very wary about the direction that our society is heading in; if we continue to be consumer-driven, rather than community-driven, it seems like the path we’re headed on is very bleak. What’s even more frustrating is that there are studies, reports, and research that demonstrate how being more socially conscious can benefit our society, yet those who have the power to make changes do little-to-nothing, as they have been the primary beneficiaries of the consumer-based, empathy-desolate, individualistic society that we’re living in. I guess all I can do is try to make changes in myself, maybe use facebook or twitter a little less, and hope that eventually things catch up.
I too remember a time like you described because I was a child of that era-running free with no boundaries while my parents were virtually worry free. I am now also a product of the age of technology where everyone is a friend to somebody…online. It astonishes me that no longer are children encouraged to forge friendships in reality,but are instead seeking those relationships in online sources. Even though I rely on the internet connections such as Facebook to keep in contact with long distance friends and family, it is my close, personal relationships that are tangible and in the present that keep my life moving forward and my spirits bright when they are dim. I am sad that some children are being raised to value the savy of an internet connection rather than the bond of a best friend don the block. It also sad to think that now days finding a friend on the internet can either be safer than in real life, or more dangerous…
I too remember Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood and how everyone seemed to connect, have a community and be happy. I find the idea that others do not connect or have people to share personal things about very troubling and thankfully completely untrue in my life. In the two neighborhoods I grew up in, the last of which my parents still live, we were all connected personally. Many of my friends would comment how Mayburryish my neighborhood is. Every neighbor waves while leaving for work or coming home. We talk while meeting at the mailboxes, have BBQs for every holiday, Christmas parties, birthday celebrations, etc. We know about each other’s families, jobs, remodeling, pets, etc. I wouldn’t want it any other way. When I bought a house a mile away I was worried my neighbors would not be as nice but found they all connected with me too. I have heard my new neighbors didn’t know one another until I moved in and had parties where they were all invited. They now behave the same way as my old neighborhood. They wave and chat at the mailboxes, check up on me in person as well as via text messages, loan me sugar and even mow my lawn. I truly believe we all must take the time and effort to stay connected personally in order to live healthier lives. If the people around us do not make the steps to connect then we must lead by example.
Having grown up on military bases during the 70’s and 80’s, I had kind of an exacerbated Mr. Rogers neighborhood experience in that there was not only a sense of neighborhood community but also a military communitee. It was a wonderful way to grow up. We were safe, we reached out to our neighbors and took interest in one another. When my father retired and moved our family back to his home state of Oregon, and our new home it was very different. At school, there wasn’t the bond of being military “brats,” and being amongst others who moved every few years and knew what that meant. It meant, that you had developed your own ideas on things as prior to the internet and widespread media of today, the U.S. differed greatly from region to region – what was cool in Texas wasn’t necessarily cool in California. It also meant that you learned how to make friends quickly, and to value those friendships for whatever short time you might be in that location. It also meant that when you moved, you learned to write letters. It was too expensive to make long distance phone calls back then, so you wrote letters. I went to 5 different elementary schools. 2 middle schools, and 2 high schools. My last high school was a big adjustment, as was the neighborhood we moved to. I adjusted (as always) because we were fortunate enough to move to a close knit neighborhood, where the neighbors all knew each other and looked out for one another. My parents still live in the same home, and the same neighborhood, and I have been fortunate enough recently to be granted permission to leave the state I had been living in as a divorced single mom, in a big city where I knew no one but my ex’s family, in a small apartment where it was not safe for my kids to play outside, to move home to Oregon in with my parents. Now that I live with my parents, my kids play with the neighbors kids, they ride their bikes up and down the street and all of us neighbors take turns outside keeping an eye on them. It is great to have this sense of community. It is amazing that my children get to grow up and here, and that they are able to live in an environment that allows them to just play outside and be kids. I am happy for my kids, especially because I know that their having the opportunity for this glimpse of Mr. Roger’s neighborhood is not the norm these days. Time changes many things, and we change in time. I no longer write letters, I communicate with freinds from my past via facebook. This connectivity to my past, to people who knew me growing up and lived far away was a Godsend as I endured the changes to my life brought about by divorce. In a town where I knew no one, and was too busy working full time, part time, going to grad school full time, getting divorced and trying to be the best mom I could be, facebook allowed me to have friends at my convenience. I think that this certainly can be a great thing, and that some times that little thread of connectivity can give be the slightest bit of connectivity that you need. I do agree that there is also another side to this. As I said, it allowed me to have friends at my convenience…I would say that real friendship – real true authentic relationships aren’t ones of convenience, and when you have the opportunity to interact face-to-face and spend time with or talk to your friends in person but you opt out and just text them or facebook them then…that is the problem. It saddens me that it has become socially acceptable to text someone rather than calling them, or making the time to see them because you truly value them. It scares me that people have romantic relationships via text – where is the romance in that? I want to talk to you…but, not really? I think that we have all just been moving along on this wave of technology, never thinking where it is taking us. I can’t imagine that 25% of all Americans wish to have no one to confide in, and that 50% of married couples want the only one they trust with personal issues to be their spouse. Who do they vent about their spouse too? Do they get to vent, and get input or do they just get divorced? I think that at some point there will be a backlash against so much technology based social networking, and we will get back to actual social networking human-to-human. I also believe that we all have to be the change we wish to see in the world, and that it is perhaps our responsibility to have these conversations with the people we are connected to and point out that we wish to have more human contact with them. I agree with Marie, we need to lead by example.
As I was looking through my blog and cleaning it up, I found a post I wrote in 2009:
Sunday, March 22, 2009
limited means of communication
“I hate texting messaging. I am beginning to resent my cell phone. It used to be nice to talk to anyone whenever you wanted, and keep in touch so easily. Now, it is like a pavlovian bell. I hate feeling tied to it. That I can never just be off the grid, and escape. I miss the old days, when you just went home and checked your machine, that your day wasn’t brought down by a phone call or a text bomb.
I think texting is the worst. It is lame, and juvenile. We sit there and type back and forth, rather than actually talk to one another. Then too, things get lost in the translation, and tone, but the words are out there, read, and interpreted, and people react.
I just think the world is so lost, and we just go along with it, not even realizing where it is taking us. Technology, seems so great and makes it easy on us, and we fail to realize it is stripping us of our humanity, and destroying where we live.
Everything, quicker, smaller, faster, helpful for the increasingly mindless/helpless.
I am canceling my text plan!”
It felt it went along with the “The end of Mr. Roger’s neighborhood” post. Also, I didn’t cancel my text plan…
I spent most of my time as a child in southern Oregon. We did not have money, did not watch television and spent most of our time outdoors playing. I also remember structured chores. I do remember being close friends with the neighborhood children. When I say neighborhood I mean farms next door to one another where you run through fields to get to the next house. My brothers, sisters and I ran, played, built tree houses, and played the purse in the road trick. We rode horses, hunted frogs or snakes and valued our friends down the road or up the hill. We did not talk on the phone.
I agree that things are very different today and there does seem to be some differences in the relationships between neighbors. Families keep to themselves more. I do not necessarily agree that it is all about technology. There are many other things that keep us busy today. Our work, education, meetings, groups, and exercise plans. We are busy people who dedicate our time towards being busy, busy, busy. So busy we might become addicted to our work, exercise plan or obtaining an education. We might become so addicted to self, become so self-centered that we do not have time to spend talking to the neighbor or helping our neighbor.
We simply can not just sit and hope things like building relationships with people will improve, we must do something about it and take the steps to create change in ourselves. We need to understand why our society has already become addicted to objects, things, materialism, staying busy, busy, busy. We can not expect others to make changes for us, technology or no technology.
Much of our dislocation from family, friends and building a strong support network is due to things such as the over-use of technology in my opinion. It seems through creating stronger community support and that if we as a society can in someway reconnect with each other through all of the walls that we have built around our selves with technology (a technology that we justify as a way to keep us “connected” to others) then it is possible to exist in a technical age while still being able to play hide and seek and put down our I-Phones.
While it seems true that we have more ways to connect with each other now but fewer intimate connections, I think there are things we can do. This is what I do in my neighborhood: I sit on my porch in the summer and say hello to everyone who passes my house; I get to know my mail carrier’s name and ask her what’s new in the neighborhood (problem: many mail carriers don’t live in the neighborhoods they serve!). Whenever someone new moves on the block I go over and introduce myself and talk about the neighborhood. I strike up conversations in the park when I walk the dog and I stop to talk to people working in their gardens or sweeping or…I know a lot of the kids in the neighborhood because they stop to sell candy bars for their schools or want recycled bottles for money or want to earn some money raking/mowing. It’s a small step but it is something we can do — where we live. It’s in our hands to make a small difference.
I don’t feel that I ever experienced the sense of community mentioned in this blog. Growing up in the 80’s in NE Portland, my family never reached out to our neighbors. We lived on a pretty busy street and kids were never playing in the front yard (most were in their backyards, inside watching TV, or working off some energy on the Nintendo Power Pad), though I found myself wishing that there was more of a sense of community in our neighborhood. Now in my late 20’s and living in a totally different setting, I still keep to myself and rarely speak with my neighbors.
The statistics presented in this blog entry are quire disappointing. I know that I’m guilty of sending a friend a quick text or facebook message instead of picking up the phone – or better yet, actually seeing them in person. Technology has certainly made things quicker and easier, but at what cost? According to the statistics, it’s at the cost of our interpersonal relationships.
I have a friend that I’ve known since we were 5 who recently closed her Facebook account. When she randomly called me to set up a lunch date I was a little surprised – considering much of our communication over the years had been over the internet. She said that since she closed her Facebook account she had to start communicating with people in person – which was a change for just about everyone. Sounds somewhat silly, but if I were to do the same thing, it would require a big adjustment on my end as well.
This entry was a good reminder about what’s important in life. While it can be more convenient in our busy society to twitter, text, or facebook someone, I place a high value on my relationships with family and friends. I will make more of an effort to spend time with them and spend less time texting or doing what is the most technologically convenient.
As an undergraduate I was fortunate enough to be able to participate in a study abroad program in Leeds, England. As a result of this program, I was also able to travel to various place in Europe. One day, while strolling through a suburban neighborhood near the city of Venice, Italy, I noticed that there were hoards of people sitting at a cafe/park in the middle of the town. These people were all conversing loudly, sharing stories, children were playing with each other, the energy and sense of community was intense. It was almost as if the entire town had come out to converse. I remember thinking to myself: “wow, this doesn’t happen in America, this is during ‘prime-time’ television.” and I really felt at that moment the intense isolation that many American citizens (including myself) feel as a result of the way our culture has been constructed.
There are many individuals (including myself) in our culture who are trying their hardest to steer clear of technology. Or at least be aware of its intensely isolating effects on us. There are many friends of mine who bemoan the addictive properties of facebook and texting, and see it (along with other factors of course) as adding to the sense of ‘awkwardness’ they feel in Portland.
And quite frankly, I do not feel that we have made a fair exchange!
I find it incredibly depressing that in such a short amount of time Americans have lost faith in each other, in themselves. That as a country we have traded in a sense of a security, peace, belonging for ________?????? Who can even say what we traded it in for? Short-term pleasure at the expense of long-term relational bonds. An overarching addiction placing blinders on an entire culture.
Free market capitalist culture has cultivated an addicted society that is invested in short-term gains at the expense of anything___nothing is sacred! Not even the survival of our species or of countless others on this planet.
We are at a great place though. This space is a pivot. A turning point. We are finally seeing where we stand. Opportunities abound!
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While, at the same time, I feel that we always romanticize the past. And there is sentiment (promoted by the media/religion?) that it’s “more dangerous today than ever before!”…and maybe it IS just that we’re little monkeys addicted to the TV. And that this has created a culture of individuals who do not know how to interact with each other without these addictive behaviors?
Maybe as a culture we all need CBT in order to reduce our addictive compulsions??? And then deep trauma work to allow the pains surrounding the genocides, rapes, murders, inequities that have plagued our country’s people. Maybe then we can start to understand our divine essence as a country. Once the splits are allowed to reevaluate themselves as we strive for integrity. This country is definitely in its most important identity-establishing years…and I am excited to be part of all of these shifts that are occurring!
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I have a dream that bacteria will evolve to the point where they’ll be able to consume petroleum-based products. Including this keyboard I am typing on and the oil leaked into our oceans. —
Please speak to me in person about this, I’d love to keep chatting about this!!! :)
In the introduction in The Dangerous Book for Boys, the author describes how we are robbing our children of a part of life that is so valuable and crucial to development. He describes much of the same type of scenario in his childhood of being “let loose” to explore the neighborhood and be with friends and create. He states that the best thing his parents did for him and his siblings were to push them out the door on weekends and tell them not to return until dark. They were forced to utilize their imaginations as they hunted for treasures at the local dump or play jungle hunt in the local park. While today, there are no more reported kidnappings in the US than there were in the 40s and 50s, the fear of harm coming to our children while left unattended has overwhelmed us. Therefore, we keep them caged up in our homes, provide them with isolating entertainment such as video games, that do not nourish or stimulate creativity and imagination. As a result, we are less connected with the outside world and more connected with our own virtual world.
I am really happy I found this blog. I’ll come back to read on other posts after the new years, but I just wanted to say that I too have been observing the same changes taking place in the society. And I do believe based on personal experience that they are the main driving factor between a lot of the problems that people are having.
One time I tried to stay away completely from TV or internet for 10 days, and it was an interesting experience. For the first 6 days I felt very tired and bored, but after that I’ve experienced a new wave of productivity and desire to re-connect with my relatives and old friends with whom I’ve not talked in a really long time.
The main conclusion that I’ve drawn for myself was that I thought that I’ve needed more to be happy, but may be I just needed less.
Alex, thanks for the comment and reading my blog. Yes, very often less is more. Happy new year.
J
I so agree that technology has had it’s crucial effects on social life. And I think it’s very important and healthy that we distance ourselves from our technology once in a while, just to touch ground again. Some months ago, my phone stopped working. I didn’t bother getting it fixed because I wanted to see how it was to live a week without it. And it was amazing! One of the most relaxing weeks of 2010. Not constantly having to check my phone for incoming texts or missed calls was more of a stress-relief than I had thought. I really wish I could just not get phone fixed ever, but however, in today’s society we’re dependent on our mobile phones. But I recommend everyone to disconnect totally once in a while, disabling phones, e-mails, and facebooks for a week or so. It feels good.
Very well said!!
J
Though saddening, I’m not really surprised by the idea and numbers in this piece. In my experience, we humans can only keep track of so many people. When the number of people we interact with is small, we can invest more time and effort into each of them. However, when that number grows, there seems to be less and less “me” to go around to everyone—and less time for each of them.
In one of my classes today we watched a documentary on affluenza. One of the things they talked about was how we have started looking at everything as disposable; use it once and then throw it away. The movie suggested that this view of material goods has affected how we look at people as well. If they stop giving us what we want, then there is someone out there better who can. Unfortunately, I feel that I see this portrayed all the time. One of the movie’s main points seemed to be that our consumerist culture was causing us to spend all of our time maintaining our things and not maintaining our relationships with people. Hopefully we can turn this train around!
I think that this article says it all. Sadly I am only 26 years old but I have seen a huge change in the amount of children who are outside playing now a days. Even just 10 years ago I can remember being outside playing, in rain or shine, now you drive down a neighborhood street and it seems abandonded. Children are instead inside on the computer or playing video games. It scares me to think how the world will be when this next generation of children grows up. Will they even know how to communicate with eachother in person or only through an electronic device? I think that people are forgetting how to socialize with each other and instead of going home and calling a friend when they are having a tough time, they just log onto facebook and post something about how they feel. How can this be beneficial to our souls?
Oh yes, technology and the way things used to be. I miss the time when you could go outside playing tag, hop scotch, hid and seek and football with the neighborhood kids. The days when a community would watch after each others children and make sure they all played together or would step up and be accountable for another person child until the other parent showed up. This was the community I lived in. I’m soon to be 33 and I miss those days. I speak of the all the time with my friends and family. Even as a youth I recall being home when it started to get dark out, parents taking phone numbers, addresses, and calling other parents about where their child will be at. Basic communication that has now been lost and I ask myself where all that went.
Now the new age has come and from the technology of pagers we now have cell phones the “instant contact” that provides messaging of a new kind test messaging. I find it is helpful at times, but when a person feels that they want to text you paragraph after paragraph of words that you have to read off a little screen that tends to drive me crazy. Not to mention all codes of words that one has to understand in order to get the entire message then decipher what the person is feeling. This is very hard to do. I guess in a text message CAPITALIZED letters means you’re making a statement or it’s urgent, but if you’re working then you won’t be able to receive the message. The same goes for email and online blogs or the creative Facebook. Technology has taken individuals who are not able to have a voice to speak up and face fears of communication with others. This is a good thing, but it also takes away from the personal connection of having someone comfort you and provides a sense of understanding by hearing ones voice.
Just because you text in back in CAPS doesn’t mean you get what is being said. An individual is still on the other end of the phone trying to decipher what, who, when, where, and why all this is happening. Thus, the response back will become misunderstood because you only have 150 characters to ask what’s going on and how do you feel. For me, that is not enough characters at all. Communication requires one to have responsibility of listening and providing that comfort of a laugh or voice opinions in a time of need. Individuals will always need a human connection no matter what a person may think. Talking through a computer will only give you instant gratification of getting a statement across and a response that only last for a matter of minutes.
I say the next time you get ten text messages of a conversation and you want your friend seems to be waiting for a response text back CALL ME! Who say’s that we have to end Mr. Rogers neighborhood when we can still keep a little of it going ourselves.
Wow. Although I have been feeling the effects of a smaller social network myself, I don’t think I was really totally aware of this until I read this blog. I mean, I thought my dwindling circle of friends was mostly due to the fact that I am a full time student and employee, not to mention mother, daughter and sister to my family. With all these responsibilities, it’s easy to have my friends drop by the way side. At the same time, I seem to have time for Facebook, trashy novels and the occasional movie.
Maybe it’s time to reevaluate my priorities.
No, you are not alone. I think we all need to reevaluate our social connections, and what it is important in life. Technology is here to stay, and although it affords us many great things, we need to be aware of its dark side and how individually and collectively we are being pulled apart. Thanks for the feedback!
J
I could not agree more! I would even add that in addition to calling, getting together face-to-face is even better. Maintaining strong social connections is more than possible, but it requires more work than pushing keys. Of course, I personally don’t see it as work, I see it as the most enjoyable time of my day.
J
This Blog hits home for me. About two months ago I decided to temporarily give up Facebook and all social networking outlets because I started to realized that I was not have personal conversation with family and friends anymore. I am 27 but I still enjoy an old fashion conversation over coffee and/or dinner. Many of my friends and family were reading my facebook post to find out how my life was going. I HATED IT! So without telling anyone I deleted my facebook and you would be surprise by the amount of phone calls I got. I was happy that people were concern but sad that it took me deleting my facebook for a friend to call me. So two months into my little experiment I keep in close contact with my close friends (about 5) and my family members. We have dinners, have real conversations either on the phone or over coffee. In time I will rejoin the social network world but for now I am enjoying my small group of friends and family.
Nice experiment, one that we all should emulate! Thanks for sharing.
J
I could really relate to your post. I see how much our world is shifting to a technology-based environment and it saddens me. I don’t deny that we have made tremendous improvements in many aspects of our lives because of this shift, but I think that we are getting too caught up in it to recognize that it’s ruining other important aspects such as communication. Everywhere I look it’s people using ‘communication’ devices, but they’re not really communicating with people. Facebook started off as a great way to get in touch with long lost friends, but it’s escalated to people using it in a way that allows them not to communicate face-to-face even with their closest friends and family.
I could also relate to your experience as a child growing up in a tight-knit neighborhood. When I was a child, I remember playing outside all day and night with my siblings, cousins, and neighbors. Television was either not allowed during the day or we had no desire to watch it. Imagination was a key ingrediant of my childhood, and I see children today who lack that. My three-year old niece asked her mother for an IPOD touch for Christmas! It’s just sad how much times have changed. People tease me all the time for ‘still living in the past’.
This idea of technology creating a culture of social isolation is something that has been discussed in several of my classes lately. On the one hand, I think that technology such as social networking sites and instant messaging is beneficial for those people that might have a hard time making friends in the first place. When thinking about addiction however, I think technology can be quite dangerous.
It seems that with most addiction, it can be a very personal and a sometimes embarrassing issue that people don’t want to talk about. Communicating about an addiction can bring all kinds of feelings to the surface that the addict may not want to deal with. It seems that most types of addiction treatment deals with addicts talking about underlying feelings not only about the addiction, but also about trauma in their lives. That being said, without the ability to communicate to another human being might mean that some people will be unable to fully overcome their addictions. I just finished the book “Tweak” for a drug education class. Nic Sheff, the author and main character of the story, begins treatment in a place called Safe Passage by the end of the book. It’s here that Nic has to re-learn how to communicate with his counselors and his peers in the program. Nic learns to sit up straight, and use eye contact when chatting with other people in the program. I think addiction already creates a life of solitude, and I do wonder if technology and the lack of physical human support might make addiction that much harder to deal with.
This blog hit home for me because I am of the generation who has created this social change for communication via technology. Look at me now, leaving a reply on an internet blog, something unheard of maybe ten years ago. This technology has revolutionized the world, opening so many doors to the unknown and enhancing educational opportunities for all. It has also closed many doors in my opinion as well. In respect to the whole facebook movement, your right, people now can claim to having over “600 friends,” but in the study you sighted people now have only 2 confidants shown from statistical studies. How is that possible if we all have 600 friends hanging around? I’ve definitely had my personal battles with facebook, I’ve deleted it twice and just keep relapsing back to it. And the even stranger thing about facebook is that I will have a friend through facebook, but God forbid if I see that person out in the real world! I’m at a loss for words, so I’m guilty of hiding from time to time. What do I say, “Hi how are you? I’ve looked through all of your picture albums, and read all your posts. I saw that your relationship status just changed, and that last night you went and saw the new Transformers movie!” Or would it be better to just say “Hi I stock you!” Ha Ha! Its important to know the difference of what a real friend is and what a facebook friend is. To me facebook is to keep in touch with long lost college friends who moved across the country, because otherwise your not going to pick up the phone to call them or to simply stay in “the know” with the current gossip. As repulsive as I find the average facebook user with their annoying daily status updates, I can’t seem to stay away from it. However, I definitely have a balance on how much time I spend on FB and I also have a real life support system including family, real friends, and a boyfriend. I think for now I’m safe of being completely sucked into the cyber world.
I was born in 1982 but I also can say that times have defiantly changed. As a child my siblings and I would ride our bikes without any care in the world. We use to be able to leave in the morning and return in the evening. We knew what our boundaries were but we were free to visit our friends and go to the park. Today I have two children of my own and I struggle to find things for my daughter to do. Although I think that the neighborhood is safe and the neighbors are nice I don’t trust people. I don’t allow them to play in the front yard without my supervision. The question that I have is has the world always been troubled with negative people or I’m I just more aware of the threats as an adult? The reason why I ask this question is because I feel like the world has always had negative/horrible people in it. Maybe because of the news, media, magazines and other ways of communication we hear more about these threats to our families? With these threats how do you make your child aware of the dangers without them losing the innocence of being a child? Now days I feel that children carry a lot of stress and concerns that only adult should worry about. Is this because of all the information that they have access from one click away? Oh how I linger for the days were children can be children without any cares in the world.
very good article. Isolation is awful and I think it is a big cause of depression. We are getting further and further away from each other and more and more isolated every year. Support Groups are really good if you are disconnected from other people
This is an interesting discussion and one that has become more and more pressing as time and technology goes on. I am 21 years old and have grown up in the beginning of the cell phone era, I mean I remember my dad walking around with a giant black bag that contained a portable phone, how he used it I have no idea but now my cell phone has become more important in my life than I’m sure I even realize. It is how I connect with my friends and family, keep my relatives up to date in my life, make new friends, share my feelings and life experiences. Yes some people can use technology and hide behind it; I have friends that prefer to talk to a computer screen than an actual person but also know people that use it effectively. Using my dad as another example, he installs flooring for a living and often has to deal with the customer first hand so being a very sociable and likable is very important in his trade and to him. He has great social skills and uses his resources to better his relationship with his customers, helpers and bosses. He uses his cell phone to get up-to-date responses from customer to contractor and vice versa. On the other hand my brother is the kid that would rather talk to a computer screen than an actual person, while he can spend 8+ hours a day staring at a computer screen, he still manages to maintain a small group of friends and get his school work done. It is apparent that times are changing but regardless of technology the years would have gone by, people become more aware of the danger causing hesitance. Technology has just sped up this process, while some people use it to isolate themselves, some people use it to expand their friendships and deepen their relationships.
It’s sad to know that these results of the survey are true and will most likely continue at that rate as technology advances happen daily. Being 20 I personally can’t remember what it was like without cell phones or other forms of technology. Although Facebook, instagram and other social networks may make us feel like we are socializing, I feel like every hour we spend on our phones is pushing us further into isolation. Technology may make things easier for people but not necessarily better. One of the most interesting things I’ve seen recently is my little cousin who is 12 and has an iphone. The phone is supposed to be for calling her parents after school and that sort of thing, but I spent a weekend with her and I didn’t see her without that phone once. Already at 12 she’s hooked on her cell phone browsing through Facebook rather than spending time with family or friends. What doesn’t help is that she is any only child and doesn’t have siblings to possibly help, so there’s a high chance of becoming isolated. Personally, I don’t think the world of communication and technology will change anytime soon and because of that we should be focusing on family and friends and being as active and social as possible with our kids when they are young.
Nichole, thanks for the feedback. I have the same worry about my son who we allow to use my old iPhone with time restrictions. Managing technology for kids for parents is a nightmare, and an issue I have written about here: http://3innyc.com/screen-time-limits/
Thanks
J
The article was very eye opening. It stated a lot of things that I have not thought about in a long time. When I was growing up we did not even lock out doors. I used to play outside and the only stipulation was that I had to be home when the street lights came on. I was able to pretty much do as I pleased because the area I live in was not one that had a lot of crime. I have a two and a half year old daughter and I have nothing but fear of letting her out of my sight. I honestly cannot imagine letting her go play in the neighborhood without adult supervision.
As for another point that you made, its very sad that my husband and I do not even really know any of our neighbors. We have lived in the same house for 4 years and have had the same neighbors the whole time and we have only talked to them a handful of times.
There are not a lot of “younger” parents like ourselves that have young children where we live. My daughter does not have the opportunity to build friendships with other kids around her age.
I have not really given it much thought of how different things are now compared to when I was younger until I read this article. I can’t even imagine how different things are going to be in another 20 years.
You are right about the contrast from a few decades ago to life today being surreal. I grew up in the 80’s and I look back and realize I had so much more freedom compared to what my daughter has now. I have let my fears dictate how much time she spends away from me, and who she hangs out with. I guess I am constantly thinking of the worst case scenarios. Times were definitely more simple back then, even though we had cable TV and Nintendo; we did spend more time playing outside compared to kids now. Technology has definitely taken over our lives to such a degree that it is hard not to check your phone while out to eat with a friend or loved one.
As a result, I am saddened by the statistics that our society is more isolated than ever, and it is definitely hard to form quality relationships when everyone is so busy with a multitude of activities. It does take time to get to know people on a deep, intimate level to the point where you can feel close enough to confide in them.
The lead researcher stated the truth when mentioning, “They may have 600 friends on Facebook.com and email 25 people a day, but they are not discussing matters that are personally important.” When I look at my contact list, the number is minuscule in regards to who I can call about personal matters, and trust them with that information.